apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
