the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
