he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
