where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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