You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
