Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
