Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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