the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
