Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
