Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
