I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
