he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
