He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
