Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
