He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
