I'm eating all of the evidence.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
