yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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