my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
