I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
