Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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