i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
