Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We need a shit load of segways right now
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
