I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have demons in me.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
