you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize