This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
