Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Never joke about your clitoris.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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