I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
