I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
