Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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