somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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