Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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