when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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