you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
