i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
