hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
