Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
