do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
