and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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