Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
