you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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