No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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