I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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