everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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