this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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