I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
