we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
