She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Found your dick twin last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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