I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize
