my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
