Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
