Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize