did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
