Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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