my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize