Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
