If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
