We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
