Cold hands, warm shart.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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